Called to Know the Richness of His Blessings

Sister Kathy Andersen, Elder Andersen's wife, is a powerfully faithful woman. Sometimes we see such faith depicted as blind, or unintelligent. She is bright and feisty, but ever trusting in the Lord. Right after her husband was sustained as an apostle, she gave a talk at BYU Women's conference, about faithful women pioneers, repeating throughout the talk the refrain from the hymn 'Joseph Smith's First Prayer': "but undaunted still he/she trusted in His Heavenly Father's care." I have learned unexpected things from her. In the Paris temple, she spoke of the blessing the temple is for the humble saints of Brazil. By getting married in the temple, they are blessed to marry in a more refined and beautiful place than they could ever hope to see or afford. She also said something that is in keeping with the thoughts I've been trying to cultivate about tender mercies and heavenly perspective. She said, 'don't forget to live your life with miracles.'

I'm in a bit of a strange season these days. My life is full. Exhausting and nearly without margin. These are all such good things. DH's new firm has more work than they can do. I get to teach seminary with him every morning. Our children are faithful and healthy, active and good. But I am tired. Always so tired.

I was trying to explain to Bam one day why I couldn't listen to his deep needs for a new app. I reminded him how frustrating it is to find that the bandwidth of our wifi is overextended by the occupants of the house--to find wheels turning, systems buffering, but to be unable to do the thing we want to do. He could identify. I then said, well, I have no bandwidth right now. My brain, my energies, my patience are all overextended by the necessaries of our life and I have zero bandwidth for any new programs at this time. Begrudgingly, he understood and it has become my shorthand for expressions of frustrations lately. Zero bandwidth. No breath.

I worry about that. I find myself very uncharitable toward opportunities to serve above my regular stewardships. I am NOT naturally inclined to ask for another calling when the going gets tough. I find myself very grumpy when asked to extend myself, to do more, on a temporary basis. I can't seem to get back to the place where my charity hadn't failed. I know that miracles come in doing things we don't think we have time for. I know that tender mercies live in letting the Lord order our priorities and shake up our schedules. And yet, I am maxed out. I have no room, no bandwidth to sign up to bring dinner to someone, to help, to even contemplate the ministering that is my covenant obligation.

During General Conference this weekend, Elder Holland was tasked with teaching us how to minister in a better and semi-new way. He told the story of a young father whose wife had collapsed. He called his home teacher and said only "I need you here NOW." And the friend and home teacher came running and ministered to his needs and wants, caring for him and his family while his wife passed away. It was all I could do to not sob audibly during this story. I pitifully thought, at first, that my feelings were because I couldn't imagine who I could call in that same desperate way. But the more I think about it, really probing my thoughts and feelings, I find that my reaction was so visceral because I can't imagine who would call me in that same desperate way. And even worse, I can't imagine reacting very lovingly if someone did.

I need to carve out room. I need to find my breath. I need a better router, I suppose, to augment my bandwidth. I struggle with margins, I always have. I know that I function best with fairly wide ones. But is that allowing for miracles? How do I balance self-care? How do I hold a space for nurturing others--to be available and willing when the need and opportunity arises? I know I am richly blessed, in so many ways. I'm just having a hard time acting like it, I guess.