Pictures and Personalities

Today was the day that I finally had all the school pictures to update. School pictures aren't always the most flattering or fashionable. I know a lot of people who refuse to buy them, but I love the quirks they reveal in my children, the real glimpse into who they are at that moment, that fleeting moment. And I love the sameness, from year to year: the pose and the background are the same, so it is an easy timeline at which to marvel.

My children are no longer at the age where I can have much, if any, say in what they wear or how (or sometimes even if) they groom themselves. They know what they want, how they want to present themselves to the world and while my influence may be heard, it is not the dealmaker in any situation. How did we get here so quickly? Since I try to pick my battles wisely and I am not willing to die on the hill of school picture outfits (and, even when I am, I lose. Case in point: Last year, I begged Z to wear a button up shirt on picture day. I pleaded, I cajoled, I wheedled. At long last, he compromised by wearing his favorite Star Wars t-shirt under the button up and he left for school. I should have smelled a rat, for in the car, he shed the button up and his school picture featured him in only the grey t-shirt. The grey Star Wars t-shirt of which the only part visible in the picture is the neckline, where the 'galaxy' looks like cotton pilling. So, it appeared for all of this past year that Z wore a ratty, aged t-shirt for school pictures. He presented himself as he wished.)

The rest of my children are no less particular about their appearance. Z, at least, voluntarily wore a button up shirt this year. I guess he's growing up. CW, who is as different from Z as possible, wore a button up and a bow tie. He has long been more particular about his appearance than his brothers. Bam wore exactly the same thing this year as last: a red plaid shirt unbuttoned over a navy t-shirt. He has been a red plaid shirt guy forever. In years past, I could talk him into changing up the shirt (still red, still plaid, just a little different), or he grew and was forced to change. This year, he hadn't grown and I didn't have the fight in me to make him wear a new shirt. His glasses are a different frame, he is slightly older looking, but otherwise it's as if he didn't age at all. Bam is my young soul, the one most resistant to change, to maturing. He is also the slowest to grow, so he seems a forever suspended little dude, unless I compare pictures carefully. M is so tall and thin and so sure in her self-knowledge. I hope that never changes and I try to nudge her only as much as is necessary so that she doesn't lose sight of that self-knowledge. I never want her to doubt. Her hair is finally long enough to sport somewhat of a side braid this year. That, and a dress (as always) were her chosen look for picture day.

This year, CE is a senior, so her picture is the obligatory black velvet drape that 'looks' like a formal in the way that no formal looked, ever, but we all wore them. My parents' wall has all our senior pictures lined up, as if we reached the end of high school and froze. As I was placing all the current pictures in their frames on my wall, I thought about not changing hers next year. Again, how did we get to this place so quickly?

This motherhood thing never sits still. I have never been the sort to cry as new milestones are reached and old ones are left behind. The milestones keep getting bigger. It seems like yesterday that I took CE to kindergarten for the first time and yet, she finalized her college applications this weekend. She was a 12 year old who loved to wear large flowers in her hair just a minute ago and now she prefers loose curls and a dramatic winged eyeliner. This time next year she will not live here any more.

I love who my children are. They are only mildly influenced by me and DH; they are so much their own people with their own lightning fast minds and strong spirits. I love watching them grow into their stewardships, into their talents. But, really, how did we get to this place so quickly?