Church

Why do I go to church? Some days it's just habit, or knowing it's easier to go than to stay home with the crazies. Some days it is exhausting and downright draining to go. I have gone and felt subjected to a multi-hour guilt trip--all the ways I am screwing up paraded before my eyes. But then there are other days, when a talk speaks to my spirit, lifting me, teaching me and I receive courage to continue on. Some days, it's social. Some days, it's the loneliest place to be. Some days, I am blessed to be there for a friend. Some days I'm only going because I have a job to do or an assignment to fill.

The choice to go to church is infrequently about what I get out of it, though. Church in this time of my life is about building patterns for my children, as my parents built the same patterns for me. We all need patterns, especially in times of chaos and trial. I want church to be the default for my children. A long time ago, my mom got an invitation to a church event. I was probably 8 or 9 at the time. The invite was a dixie cup with no bottom. It said on the attached note, 'how can your cup runneth over if your bottom's not in the right place?' Bad grammar aside, the connection has stuck with me for more than thirty years--that a big part of being spiritually fed is putting myself where the food is. I'm trying to make sure my children understand the concept. A woman in a former ward talked about a time in her family's youth where her children were young and her husband was the bishop and she was tapped OUT. (I can definitely understand those feelings). She said she went to the Stake President asking for permission to take a break from church (she actually thought he would understand and let her off the hook!). She was not pleased when he corrected her, saying that church, for now, wasn't about her, it was about teaching her children that church is what we do.

Merely going to church isn't enough, of course. And if that's the only worship that happens of a Sunday, or during the week for that matter, then the pattern won't be built. But the scriptures teach us that the Sabbath is a covenant that the Lord can (and will if we let Him) sanctify His people. How we worship is a sign of the status of our end of that covenant. If I don't help my children build their pattern of worship to include church, then I have failed them. There are many Sundays when I focus on this pattern, especially if none of the other reasons are particularly engaging in the moment.

But, on all days, I go because I promised to be a part of this crazy broken blessed and sanctifying community of good people. I'm an introvert, becoming more introverted with each passing year and it takes a lot of energy to go and be with so many people, with so many opportunities to say and do the wrong thing. But my prayers have been answered too many times. I have felt peace and courage and friendship and enlightenment. Wherever in the world I go, it's home. When I go, I'm a better person.