Am I all in?

A million years ago, when I had a new baby and was filled with hormones, we attended a Christmas party where the cultural hall was transformed into Bethlehem. There were stalls of food and treats, a 'well' in the middle of the room with water and we sat on blankets on the floor. Towards the end of the evening, a visibly pregnant woman and her husband made their way painstakingly through the throngs of people and up onto the stage where it became apparent that they were the Holy Family. Hark! the herald angels sang, Jesus was born into our world. And then, the children were invited on stage to 'meet' the baby Jesus. Two year old B, now a man child of 13, ran, calling out the words that have lived in my mind ever since "Coming Baby Jesus, I'm coming!!!" I have long wanted to be that enthusiastic, that single-minded in my devotion and locomotion to my Savior. I want to be that open in my adoration. But life, stupid life, all those thin things I am ever in the thick of, keep me from truly coming, and definitely from shouting to the world that I am coming to my Lord.

Last week was Stake Conference. It was a very rare set of meetings where very real trials were discussed, painful troubles were shared and where the Spirit was palpable. The Stake President, who always has much to say, said very little, but his final talk, focused on Alma 34:32--preparing to meet God, preparing for eternity. He asked a couple of times, "are you all in?" Are you fully committed to this work, to all that is involved in 'preparing to meet God.' A few days later, I attended institute as taught by the Stake President's wife, and she mentioned that a young member of our stake had stopped her husband to tell him 'President, I am all in', that he was deeply touched at the commitment of this young member and his willingness to voice it. And my thoughts turned to young B and coming to the baby Jesus.

I want to be all in. I want to do all that is necessary, except when I don't. Sometimes the world is too peoply. Sometimes I am just too grumpy, too tired to do what I know is required of me.

Bam and I had it out this morning. I was trying to help him and M practice for the Primary program. They each have excerpts of the song "I'll Follow Him in Faith" to sing as a little solo as well as directed testimonies to give. Bam is supposed to bear his testimony about God speaking to prophets. Now Bam is reticent about many things and downright fearful of many others: the dark, Gollum, strange noises, vegetables, to name a few. But he has never been afraid to speak in public, to sing in public. He signed himself up to sing for a talent show last year, learning his own routine and performing it flawlessly. He loves to bear his testimony. But somehow, these two small things were NOT happening today. He swore he had no idea about prophets or revelation, that he had never testified of such a thing. I asked him what he does know: That Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon, that families are forever, that the Church is true. I stopped him at each point, tying the need for revelation and prophets to each of the things he does know. But he would only concede that maybe prophets were a small part of his testimony, at which point CE lost it--"Revelation, prophets, are THE WHOLE thing!! You can't have any of the things you know without Heavenly Father giving them to His prophets!!" (well, at least she has made the connection!) He moaned his lack of knowing all over the floor of my closet. But then, in a momentary concession, said, 'I know, but I don't want to know.'--because admitting he knew meant he was bound to share that knowledge in the dreaded Primary Program. We talked about Amulek and his Book of Mormon admission that he knew, but he would not know. We're still working on the rest.

And then I turned to M's song, and was flooded with a memory. Eight years ago, almost to the day, I stood at our pulpit and recited the very words she is to sing as I bore my testimony as DH was sustained the bishop of our ward.

The Lord has blessed me with simple faith. When I pray for help, He will give me strength. I will do His work. I will gladly serve. I'l follow Him in faith.

Those years as the bishop's family were difficult, the tasks and trials since then are no easier but my faith remains the same. I know that when I ask for help, the Lord gives me strength. I KNOW that doing His work brings blessings. Sometimes, though, being all in seems easier when the all is large and daunting and I have no means to survive without asking for help. Sometimes, being all in is hardest when the callings are doable, maybe even easy, when the trials are the niggling every day stuff I should be able to manage. Like Bam, I know, but I don't seem able to admit knowing how to be all in in the face of only pedestrian trials.

So maybe all those scriptures, like Alma 37:37, about praying over everything, about counseling with the Lord in all things are for me, especially in these days of not insurmountable troubles. Maybe the only way to be all in is to let the Lord all in, to counsel with Him even about picky eaters and cub scouts. I'm still coming, baby Jesus. I'm not all in yet, but I am still coming.