I try. Really I try. But at my heart, I am an introvert. I can do okay in social situations, but I recharge with time alone. I need wide margins of less-planned days to feel okay and when I look at my calendar and see it filled from end to end with appointments and events, people and things for which I have responsibility, I get a little claustrophobic (I am a lot claustrophobic as it is). I'm trying to cultivate true (not grudging) charity. Frequently that charity extends to me treating people the way that seems gentlest to me, in the absence of direction to the contrary: giving them wide margins, not bombarding them with visits in times of stress and challenge. CE (and M too) is an extrovert; she thinks my "wide berths" are abandonment. She plans parties for the fun of it (that I shoot down because the idea makes me tired) She energizes with people, with visits, with parties--the more the merrier and can only imagine pulling away as punishment, when I see it as blessed cocooning. I don't want anyone to feel that I have abandoned them in their time of need, that I don't like them anymore, because I have stepped aside a bit in deference to what I would want in the same situation.
I struggle with feeling selfish and grumpy when I don't think that more is merrier, when I cannot imagine frosting a birthday cake with thirty three kids hovering around me (I'd end up doing the proportions all wrong, I don't do math in crowds!), when I need a day or two of sitting around in my jammies after too many days of insufficient margins. My guilt-brain tells me that if so-and-so is rejuvenated in the midst of a trial by having lots of little ones around, I should feel begrudging and selfish that I barely want my own children around some days, even on good days, and don't feel at all up to extras on many many days. I have been treated to such great kindnesses by people laboring under their own stresses. Why don't I derive energy and focus from serving in times of stress? Why do I need so much downtime, resting on my sword as it were, in order to get up and fight the fight again? Why am I so self-absorbed? I don't know. I also vacillate between the need to get outside myself and the need to be honest with myself and how I function best. Where is that line? How much of introversion/extroversion is natural (wo)man--an enemy to God? How much of it is a framework to be worked with in, an eternal nature of my spirit?
I don't know; I'm still working that part out, but do know if you're going through something and you need me and I seem to disappear, I'm applying the Golden Rule and it's not working out that well, because while a cocoon may be what I would want, a party may be what you want. Tell me. I can do party; I can take direction. I can be taught!
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2 comments:
Angie:
I truly love reading your blogs. They are great a view of your family activities for those of us who would love to be there for every event. Oh if only I was a Trekkie and could "beam" to activities! As to your desire to be an introvert, like your silent laugh I am afraid this could be another gene you've inherited from your Grammie T. She has always struggled with having to be in public and wanting to fade into the woodwork. But, I say this is one time where environment should win out over genetics. I say soak in the shock wave of all of activities and resist the intense desire that those genes tell you to "hide", because in the end it will make you happier and healthier not to hide. I say that from the view of watching her watch the world go by and wishing she were more interested in it from time to time. But having said all of that, I think it must also be okay to give yourself quite times and I am sure little Em will come to understand the need and the joy of them, even if its just jammie time with a good chapter (book, well maybe in a year or so). Love you and those blogs. Auntie Deb
Hmmm....I'm both. Can that be? It's really hard because I flip flop back and forth and I'm sure that's hard for others to read. That's a really good point though to realize that we are all different that way. Just that in itself can get you through lots of things without wondering why people didn't do this or that. Thanks for getting me thinking. :)
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