A Blur

My MIL asked me recently if I felt the year was going quickly by. Quickly no, confusingly, slipping through my fingers, yes. I'm hoping to get a bit of a breather soon, so maybe I can get a handle on life and come up for air. It's been quite a ride so far.

January, the kids and I were sick, but we got better. DH was sick and never got better, leading to February when he spent that disagreeable patch in the hospital and we learned how much guess work there is in modern medicine, why doctors 'practice' and how ridiculous it is to be married to the "Mystery Man of the hospital." DH spiked his crazy fever on my birthday, was in doctors' offices and the ER most of the rest of that week and in the hospital the following week. The next few weeks, he was under strict orders to rest and heal from the mystery illness. (No, we still have no idea what he even had, aside from the lethal allergic reactions to two different antibiotics) The clue to me of how sick he actually was, was that he rested. He didn't go to work for far longer than he ever has; he didn't even check in (after that embarrassing part in the hospital where he insisted on calling and emailing and in his delirium producing incoherent 'work' product, some with no verbs whatsoever) and suddenly, it was March 21 and we realized we had lost an entire month. Gone.

After awaking from our illness induced fog, March 26th DH left for Connecticut to help out on a trial for 3 days. He came home early Easter Sunday morning (no that doesn't actually equal 3 days) for 44 hours, during which time he conducted Easter services at church, and worked remotely on the same trial for at least 24 of those hours before returning to Connecticut. He came "home" again for about a week during which time he spent 2 days in SLC and several other days conducting long conference calls to the trial site. Then on April 29, he caught the red eye back to Connecticut for most of May, returning for 20 hours here and there so that he could attend meetings, doctors' appointments (remember, he had just been in the hospital) a dance recital, Cub scout day camp (no, not Mother's Day) etc.

Easter Sunday

M in her first dance recital

M and her beloved preschool teacher at "Gratulations"

During the same time he was gone, it was May, that time of year when everything is scheduled. Most evenings I had no fewer than 2 places I was supposed to be at the same time. I got grumpy, selfish and tired and let far too many things fall through the cracks. I know plenty of people who have it harder than this on a regular basis and who do a far better job than I. DH finally came home late Tuesday night, went to the 3rd grade overnight field trip on Wed/Thursday, attended preschool graduation and conducted a funeral on Friday. And then we celebrated a largely uncomplicated Memorial Day weekend. Perhaps soon we can breathe. I realize what a blessing this is.

I say all this not to brag, to complain or really even to vent, but merely to record because if I could lose an entire month between February 21 and March 21, I could lose the first half of this year, if I'm not careful. I'm trying to remind myself of perspective. I have a dear friend whose husband and his business are having legal trouble. She has a full and crazy family and she was taking the bar exam, which is a full body mess of insanity all on its own. She was feeling a bit justifiably self-absorbed and grumpy. She sat down at her test taking table the first morning of the bar exam. These tables are shared by two people--one on either corner (I have vivid nightmares memories of my own time at those tables). She asked her table mate what she had planned for after the test that first day (there are 3). Table mate said "chemo." My dear friend said all her complaints, grumps and justifiable problems left her mind at that moment. This woman was going to chemo in the middle of the three day bar exam. She was trying to stay alive. Perspective. It's a powerful tool, if you can keep it.