Digging Out

DH has exchanged the big ugly cast and the "no weight" admonition for a new boot (very similar to the old boot) and a "careful weight" admonition from the doctor. He is back at work and back at bishop stuff full time. We are back at school and all other events and I am forty years old.

Forty is a bit old to be running around on no sleep with people I love who are visiting and people I love who are invalids.

Today is the first day since my birthday that I do not have a headache (knock wood, the day ain't over yet!).

This is the first time I am mentioning (outside my head) that the rolling migraines (where as one seems to be waning, the next one begins the cycle of disturbed vision, tinglies and other things I don't remember the words for) began on my birthday and did not leave until Monday night. That the ensuing week was filled with sinus headaches sprinkled liberally with migraines. That each day I would put M down for a nap and connive and bargain and beg until Bam would take one too (or at least be calm in front of Scooby Doo on the portable DVD player in his bed) and then I would take a nap too until I had to go pick up the big kids from school. We have been subsisting on leftovers--from our weekend of yummy food and from the kindness of ward members who ignored me when I said we didn't need meals because of DH's surgery (I'm still very bad at accepting help, but I'm trying to be gracious at least when I'm ignored and help is given anyway). And I have purchased bread for my kids' lunches instead of making it and then I have been making white bread in the bread machine when I couldn't even get to the store because I was out of ground wheat flour and too tired to grind more. My house has been messy and dirty and I finally got last week's clean laundry put away on Friday, just in time to start washing again Saturday morning.

I have not wanted to say anything about this past week because it would be possible for someone to believe that the cost was too high, that my mom and sisters should not have come. And that is so far from true. I began to think that part of putting on a game face may make me dishonest, making me look like it's all easy to me (when it's not). That this game face business may also fail to show those I love how much I value them and may really be sending a far more flippant message than I really intend by allowing my pride to cover up my frailties.

So here is the honest truth. This last week was exhausting and painful and rough and I have been treading water badly for most of it. I've just about got my head above water now. If I can just have a day or two of no headaches, I might just get in my groove again. Might. But I would not trade the headaches for spending time with my family for my birthday weekend (or for any other time spent with family). I have a friend from high school who lost her mom last fall. She turned forty a few days after I did, but she did so without her mom. Others have difficult and painful families. I am not so naive as to believe that I am anything other than amazingly blessed. I don't want to let little things like leftovers, dirty houses and laundry and a few lingering headaches keep me from precious time with my loved ones.