It's been a bit longer than I would like since I have come up with enough coherent thoughts to populate an entire post. I didn't blog at Thanksgiving, not for lack of gratitude but for lack of the ability to string together the big thoughts roaming around my head. I feel they are just out of reach. I am going to try tonight.
DH is out of town. The only commitment we had today was a birthday party for Z. I had my goals: get the Christmas tree put up, do laundry, get everything ready for church, not kill the children. Simple things really. So, a lot of Wii was played. A lot of legos and cars were spread hither and yon. Laundry was done; the tree is up, although not decorated. And all of this activity really only required some of my brain power, so I found my thoughts turning on the theme from last night's Ward Christmas party. Now first, my explanation of the theme will be sketchy at best because I spent most of the devotional in the hall with Bam who was certain DH had a shark in his pocket and that it should belong to him (Bam). DH was speaking in front of the congregation about the Ward Christmas gift and our theme for the coming year. So, the eloquence of DH and the other speaker were sadly lost on me amid the shark cries. But there was still enough to get me thinking.
Each family was given a lamp. A clay lamp made in Israel as a replica of the very old lamps possibly filled with oil by those ten virgins in the New Testament and also, of course, by countless actual real people in Israel around the time. The lamp is a working lamp, complete with wick. So, once home, I unwrapped it and DH installed the wick; we filled it with olive oil and lit it to see what happened. The light was surprisingly bright. It used oil quite sparingly and was far easier to carry around than a lit candle.
Perhaps you can guess at the theme for next year--filling our lamps, being prepared in all senses of the word.
In addition to the tasks of today, I have been reading this book: Life as We Knew It by Susan Beth Pfeffer. It's a YA fiction book about a catastrophic event and the survival skills needed and used to get a family through it. It was harrowing for me to read. It made me want to stockpile cash and diapers, to evaluate our emergency skills and provisions. It made me contemplate how well I'm doing at filling my lamp.
This holiday season has been hectic and promises to continue to be so. I'm doing my best to be simplified in my expectations and the commitments I accept, but there is far too much to do. With DH's life as a bishop and the regular demands on a bishop's time at Christmas combined with the concerns for members of our congregation who are struggling financially in the precarious economy, much of the family observance of Christmas traditions falls to me to execute. I'm feeling worn down. My lamp isn't empty, but it isn't full. I don't feel much current success with my previous attempts at emotional and spiritual replenishment. That lamp is staring me down. I want to find some sort of order in the chaos of life with young children; some way to infallibly add to my proverbial lamp's oil each day in regular, if minuscule ways so that I am always moving at least a little ahead. Sadly lately, I have felt mostly like we are treading water as a family: I am holding my head above water, but just barely and it is taking all my effort to manage that feat. I don't like this. I am just tired.
This post is lacking the transcendence I was hoping for. I don't mean to whine and complain. I know that on so many levels my life is easy and definitely blessed. There is much for which to be grateful and I am. My sister said it's okay to complain occasionally, a little. I'm hoping this doesn't exceed the bounds of "a little."
I want to be able to see baby steps being made successfully. I want to sleep through the night, to not wonder why Bam has to watercolor-paint his hair before the ward party or why CW must explode in a flurry of hyper kinetic activity most frenzied when my headache is most fierce. I want to be, if only for Christmas, a glass-half-full person so I can wonder along with my little ones at the beauty and excitement of Christmas and teach them the blessings of Christmas, all the while guiding them away from any further additions to their wish lists. Ideally, I would love to have DH with us for all the wonderment of the holidays, but what he is doing is needful and his devotion to service and duty to God at this particular time of year is a wonderful Christmas star of sorts for my children to follow. And we are blessed for it. So there's my Christmas Wish List.
What do you want for Christmas?
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4 comments:
I don't think that was "complainy" at all. I think it was beautiful. And my wish is for you to find a little more quiet, a little more peace, a little more sleep, and maybe even a little more DH. Love you.
This is our first Christmas with a child and what I want for christmas is to start a new family tradition where on Christmas Eve, we sit in the dark, look at our tree and sing spiritual Christmas Songs. I also want my baby to hold still long enough for me to hold him and share a quiet moment, I am not sure that the second want will happen, unless I tie him up- hmmm.
I was one of the 10 Virgins in a musical my RS put on this year, turns out I was unwise, during our two shows, I found myself crying at the end because I felt that I had a lot in common with my unwise character. What I learned, and remebered while reading you post, was that all it really takes is action, we all have the desire, but do we have the faith to take action, do we have the hope, that our actions will allow our savior to fill our lamps.
Abby taught me a lesson years ago about filling her lamp. I was in her home one very hectic morning, Children were running everywhere, some clothed, some not. And she was sitting at her kitchen table with her scriptures. She told me that she had to get at least one verse read, more would be great, but just reading one verse felt like a miracle. I am sure that that one verse miracle was enough to put a drop of oil into her lamp, and drop by drop by drop, eventually, when needed, it will be enough.
Oh Ang,
I hope things get a little better and you have some more hubby time. K often has really crazy hours with work this time of year. Last year he didn't even come home from the office for three days. I took him clothes and food and he showered at the office. They were working on a big project and there were a couple of people in his office doing the same thing. I felt bad too going to all the holiday parties alone. It's just not as merry.
Can't wait to see you all in January!!
So, how did it go? Did you get any of your Christmas wishes? I bet you did.
You aren't treading water, sweetheart. You are pumping some of the heaviest iron of your life. You feel like you aren't "moving" but it's only because the task keeps you from looking out the windows at the scenery whizzing by. You will only be able to see the growth when the work load shifts a little and you can sense the strength that has come during this time.
Kate hit what I was going to say on the nail. I try to read half a chapter every day. I still ignore cries and whines to get it done. I go to the Temple monthly - I find ways to make it happen. I know there is still a lot of work to do, but it makes so much difference to me day by day. I know I couldn't have made it through the last few years without the scriptures and the way they fill my heart with the Spirit. I can tell almost immediately when I have missed a day or two of reading. My patience and peace suffer. I suffer. I run to my computer and read. I keep notes on the computer, too. It is a document arranged by Chapter and verse. I add new things each time, and usually reference the text of the verse in my notes. I can highlight in color with my thoughts. Things come to me through the Spirit when I am reading and writing. My prayers are answered and that give me hope and helps me to know that I am acceptable to my Father in Heaven.
I am going to email you a page I made today. It is an adaptation of some notes I made in Relief Society a while back. (A long while back.) I did it recently and was amazed at how just writing down the things I was thinking about made some of them happen. I loved it. It's nice to see ANY kind of progress.
I love you. I loved the lamp theme - will you pass that on to DH? Send him some love, too.
By the way, the word verification is "comam" - Command form for EAT, all of you. I thought that was pretty funny.
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