For those who are squeamish about breastfeeding, perhaps you should skip this post.
My baby turns one in one week. I have nursed my other children to a year and been ready to wean. Ready to regain my body and a very small degree of autonomy and control over my schedule. The year mark was always important for several reasons: 1) teeth--my babies usually have several at this point and get better at wielding them and I get squeamish about offering up my tender parts to their fledgling incisors and 2) we were always looking forward to subsequent siblings, and weaning a baby at one year, gave me a few months at least before my body would begin growing the next baby (all my kids are 2 years apart).
So, here I sit. M is nearly one. I don't know that there are any more Fears coming down the pike for us, at least none that I can imagine actively planning for at this point. Which means that even though there is definitely the teeth issue, and the desire to burn some nursing bras and regain a bit more control over my body, I don't know that I'm quite ready to wean. And M is not pushing away the mommy milk machine either. I have loved nursing: the ease (for me, I know this is by no means universally true), the portability, the bonding, the specialness that only I can offer my babies. If this is the end of my body filling this miraculous purpose, am I ready to be done? This, of course, gets into the whole question of being done in a more global procreative sense. I haven't yet reached the place where I can shout from the rooftops that we have brought all the children we are bringing to this earth; but I am entertaining the distinct possibility like I have never been able to before. Being done means no new babies, no more nursing, no more creating a new life with God and all the awe and miracles that brings. And I have loved all that.
Admittedly, I am not the best at making proactive transitions; I suppose I have difficulty visualizing dramatic changes in my paradigm. Usually things just happen to me and in hindsight I can wistfully ponder how I could never have imagined then what I would be doing now. But with nursing, I want to know beforehand that the end is the end. For now, I just continue ambivalent about the immediate issue of weaning, unable to even contemplate with any finality the rest of it.
I'm not totally delusional. I know that pregnancy, babies, nursing and everything about getting them here has gone far more effortlessly and mostly according to plan than I have any right to expect. I know how blessed I am, truly I do. I guess I just find myself a bit greedy nonetheless.
Snapshots from the crazy lives of the Fears Family: where we are, where we may(or may not) be going and what on earth we were thinking at the time.
3 comments:
I think it's wonderful that you've had such a great relationship with nursing. I envy that. I'm so thrilled that I gave it up with the twins (and of course, I feel guilty about feeling happy--stupid.) I don't think there's anything wrong with nursing M for a while longer until your heart and your heart decide something (or you and DH decide not to decide anything right now). Just promise me you won't end up like my mother-in-law and nurse a four-year-old, k? Meg remembers nursing--can't be a good thing when you're 18! :)
My SIL nursed her youngest once or twice a day until he was 2 I think for the same reason... she knew he was probably the last and she just wasn't ready to let it go just yet. I am currently looking forward to weaning because I constantly play the referee between the boys. But with one, that would be kind of nice! Do whatever feels right. I guess the AAP recommends up to 2 years old now.
All these life choices are so hard. I know whenever you decide what to do, it will all be okay. I have never had to decide about weaning though so I'm not sure I'm best to give advice. My milk gives up before my kids do. I think the longest I've gone was probably about 7 months. Consider yourself lucky that your body can still do it!
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